Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6
I grew up catholic, youngest of nine children; went to church every Sunday with the family, made my first communion, was confirmed; went to confessions – did all the things that were required of me by my religion.
All my life, I can remember having literally zero patience. As a teen, I would get frustrated having to wait for my parents to bring me to my friends house, or for someone to pick me up. This deficiency led to a battle (or should I say burden) that I carried with me long into my adult life.
As I got a little older I always had a plan; if there were chores to do I knew in my head what order everything was going to be done in and about how long it would take me. That helped me figure out how long before I could go do the fun things.
The lack of patience and always needing a plan often created a level of stress, frustration and/or anxiety that I pretty much dealt with most of my life. It also led to a rather unbecoming character flaw of needing to control things.
All I can remember feeling during those moments of complete control was frustration, and sometimes resentment; because, as often as I tried, when it really mattered – the plans didn’t always go as I thought they should and I was almost always disappointed in other people for either not following directions or not being able to anticipate what I wanted or needed. There was no peace in any of this and I was becoming someone even I didn’t like to be around.
Many years ago I was placed into a situation of which I had zero control. I started suffering from chronic panic attacks, I had no idea how to get myself out of the manic spin. The situation was a strain on my marriage; and while I remained frantic, my husband looked for a better solution. He chose God.
I began attending services with him at a local non-denominational church. Week after week, I could see the change in him – he was growing closer and closer to Jesus at a much faster pace than I was. I was still carrying the religious burden of “I’ve already been baptized”, “I know God” there’s not much more for me to get out of this. But I attended weekly and we even joined a life group together.
I can remember one of the first nights in Life Group, one of the hosts was talking about “God first” “you have to love God before you can truly love even your own children”… [insert eye roll here], I was like “that will never happen”. My kid, my husband… nope THEY come first. And so the journey begins….
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.
Deuteronomy 6:5
I remember the day I was in church, crying as I often did – service that day was all about God’s plan. I remember hearing the words “God has a plan for you, you need to stop trying to control the fate that’s already been decided and let God work in your life“. Then it all clicked with me and at the end of service when Pastor asked who was ready to surrender their burdens, their control and trust God’s plan, my hand went up. “I surrender.”
I can’t remember how everything started to fall into place after that moment, but it did. I made God the priority of my life, I began to love Him first – and what I noticed… the love I felt for everyone else became more meaningful, more intense and more fulfilling. Everything just started to make sense. I was developing a relationship with Jesus; I was relying on Him to help me and reaching out to him in prayer or just quiet conversations often. I started to surround myself with like minded people, started to get more involved with the church. I was grateful! I felt truly blessed… two feelings I’m not sure I ever really understood. Because now I was focused on love and not all the problems; I was happy, peaceful and joyful! Wow… who is this person and why did it take me so long to find her!
It’s a journey, and I am a work in progress – but the moment I surrendered, I felt safe, I felt like someone was now taking care of me. The awareness that I can’t control the process or the results was huge for me. Over time, with constant reminders from Jesus and the periodic tests of my faith – I have near to no problems with anxiety.
Thank you God for the journey I had to take to find you! For loving me, and for pressing into me over and over for years and years, and for the patience you showed me while I was finding my way to you. Now, because of Jesus – I understand who’s in control and finally – it’s not me!
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11